Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
