I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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