No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
