i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
