Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
