ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
