Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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