guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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