I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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