I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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