Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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