i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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