No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
