Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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