i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
nutella sex= disaster
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
