haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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