YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
