When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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