I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
