Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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