remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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