I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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