proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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