I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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