Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My life is pants optional.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
