Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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