His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
