I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
