i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
