I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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