I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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