I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
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she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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