I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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