You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
