My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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