my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
