she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
