fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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