If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
