If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
