I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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