I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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