So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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