The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I puked a lego.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
