Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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