Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
