no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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