I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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