"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
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So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
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I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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