Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
