Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
