I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
well you can't waste a boner
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
