I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
