just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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